When I am running training workshops on Leadership, interpersonal relationships, assertiveness etc I always seem to get into a discussion about why other people can be so “difficult” to work with.
My answer is usually that people are rarely being deliberately difficult. They just see the world in a different way to us. Telling people that they are wrong doesn’t usually endear them to us but getting curious about why they behave the way they do can lead us to new insights and understandings as well as better relationships.

Human beings are a bit like icebergs. Our surface behaviours are visible to all but the drivers for those behaviours are hidden deep below the surface. Ultimately it is our beliefs and our values that dictate how we respond.

Wikipedia defines values as:
“Broad preferences concerning appropriate courses of action or outcomes. As such, values reflect a person’s sense of right and wrong or what “ought” to be. “Equal rights for all”, “Excellence deserves admiration”, and “People should be treated with respect and dignity” are representative of values. Values tend to influence attitudes and behavior. For example, if you value equal rights for all and you go to work for an organization that treats its managers much better than it does its workers, you may form the attitude that the company is an unfair place to work; consequently, you may not produce well or may perhaps leave the company. It is likely that if the company had had a more egalitarian policy, your attitude and behaviors would have been more positive.”

Take a moment now to think about somebody who behaves in a way that you find irrational or annoying. For example imagine a colleague who seems to make a big song and dance about everything they do rather than just getting on with it.

Rather than reacting , criticising or blaming,  imagine getting curious.
What values might be causing them to behave in that way? If our behaviours are the crude external expression of our values then this person may have a personal value related to being noticed or recognised that is not currently being honoured and so she has to invite that attention through her behaviour.

So next time sombody pushes your buttons don’t get even, get curious about the values that may be driving that behaviour.  Its a great starting point to resolving all sorts of relationship issues.